Življenje brez alkohola je lepše

Moja zgodba alkoholizma se vsekakor začne v rosni mladosti, pa ne toliko zato, ker bi že takrat začel piti, ampak ker sem že takrat doživljal travme, ki so me samo pahnile čez rob. Starša sta prekomerno pila in posledično nista ravno skrbela zame. Da bi imel oprana oblačila, nisem ravno mogel računati, edine obroke sem dobil v vrtcu in šoli.

Vedno sem smrdel po cigaretah, alkoholu, umazaniji in psih. Imelo smo kar nekaj psov, za katere sta starša bistveno bolje skrbela kot zame. Dostikrat je na obisk prišla delavka s CSD, a je bila vedno vnaprej napovedana, takrat sta vse pospravila, me umila in mi oprala oblačila, da je zgledalo, kot da je vse v redu. Pa ni bilo.

Zaradi smradu so me v šoli vedno zmerjali, se iz mene delali norca in me po šoli napadali. Začel sem špricati, saj v šolo nisem želel, a kaj ko sta starša to ugotovila in pel je pas. Da je bila zadeva še hujša, se je oče odločil, da je pametno, da me on pospremi v šolo in me pride iskat. Zaradi tega sem bil tarča še večjega posmeha. Pred šolo me je čakal majajoči oče s steklenico v roki.

Ko sem obljubil, da bom pridno hodil v šolo, je opustil svoje dejanje. V šolo sem šel, a sem se skrival po garderobi in v šolski kleti. Našel me je hišnik, mi dve primazal in me odpeljal v razred. Kar je situacijo še poslabšalo. Pa sva s hišnikom kar pol leta igrala to igro skrivalnic, včasih je zmagal on, včasih jaz.

Razrednik se je odločil, da je tega dovolj in da je čas, da on vstopi v zgodbo. Posedel me je za mizo in me »zasliševal«, kaj je narobe. Njegov dokaj filmski pristop me je po uri spraševanja zlomil in sem se mu odprl ter zjokal in povedal, kaj in kako. Razrednik se je odločil, da se bo pogovoril še s starši.

Prišel je nenapovedano ter stopil v naš realen svet. Umazanija na vsakem koraku, prav tako steklenice vina, starša pijana, da stati nista mogla, in tam nekje jaz. Od sramu sem pobegnil od doma. Mislite, da sta me starša iskala? Še vedela nista, da me ni. Iskalno akcijo je sprožil razrednik, a ker sem jaz pobegnil, ker sem že šprical in so me po šoli že iskali ter je CSD dal staršem vedno pozitivno oceno, je bila odločitev, da jaz pretiravam in da imam super starše, le jaz sem nemogoč.

Takrat sem verjel, da je bolje, da me ni, ker ni nikogar, ki bi mi pomagal. Motil sem se. Razrednik se je res odločil, da mi bo pomagal. Vsako jutro pred poukom sem prišel k njemu in njegovi ženi, ter k njunim otrokom, da ne bo pomote, se pri njih oprhal, preoblekel v čista oblačila, pojedel zajtrk ter odšel v šolo. Ja, njegova žena mi je nakupila obleke za v šolo.

Po šoli sem se spet vrnil k njemu, naredil nalogo, pojedel kosilo, se igral z njegovimi otroki in zvečer odšel v svoj kaotičen dom. Celo osnovno šolo sem tako naredil z njegovo pomočjo, pomagal mi je tudi še v srednji šoli. Le da sem k njim prihajal čez vikend.

Pa sta se moja starša v drugem letniku srednje šole odločila, da se preselita na skoraj drug konec države, in sem moral z njima. Moj angel varuh je ostal daleč stran. Pričel sem piti, ker sem izhod videl le v tem. Komaj sem naredil srednjo šolo in za počitnice sem smel k njim.

Kadar sem bil z njimi, nisem pil, ko sem bil s starši, sem »tankal«, saj sem le tako lahko preživel. Po končani srednji šoli sem se zaposlil ter le še za praznike obiskal svojega angela. A ker sem postajal vse večji pijanček, mu nisem imel več poguma priti pred oči.

Leta so tekla, jaz pa sem padal vedno globlje in globlje ter se spreminjal v tisto, kar sem najbolj sovražil – v svoje starše. K sreči se nisem poročil ali imel otrok, v bistvu nisem imel življenja, le steklenico in službo, ki mi je omogočala, da sem se lahko družil s steklenico.

Bližal sem se tridesetim, ko me je obiskal moj angel varuh. Ko je videl, kaj sem postal, me ni obsojal, ni me kregal, ni se drl name ali me zmerjal. Le objel me je, se zjokal in me prosil odpuščanja. Nisem ravno razumel, zakaj, a on je bil prepričan, da je on kriv za moje stanje, ker se ni dovolj boril zame, da bi lahko ostal z njimi. Jokala sva skupaj. Na koncu pa sva skupaj prišla do odločitve, da moram na zdravljenje in da se po zdravljenju preselim k njemu.

Šel sem na zdravljenje, se preselil k njemu in njegovi ženi, njuni otroci so  že bili na svojem, le hči je še študirala. Našel sem si službo ter začel delati. Lepo se je bilo vračati v topel in prijazen dom. Po dolgem času sem bil spet srečen.

Nikoli pa si nisem mislil, da me bo tam čakala tudi ljubezen mojega življenja. Razrednikova hči je bila tista, ki mi je ukradla srce, in jaz njej. Sedaj sva že leta poročena, imava svoj topel in prijazen dom, čudovita otroka in jaz imam najboljšega tasta.

Alkohol mi je uničil življenje, a mi je hkrati poslal angela varuha. 

Članek je bil objavljen na spletni strani Slovenec https://www.slovenec.org/2021/04/02/zivljenje-brez-alkohola-je-lepse/

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