Tudi ženska je lahko alkoholičarka?

Moja odločitev za zdravljenje ni bila ravno najboljše sprejeta v moji okolici. V zelo kratkem času sem ostala sama v svoji bitki za boljše življenje. Zdravljenje pa je prineslo cel kup novih prijateljev, ki so postali moja nova družina.

V družbi, kjer sem odraščala, je bil alkohol nekaj čisto običajnega in se nihče ni pretirano obremenjeval s tem, koliko in kako pogosto kdo pije. Nas ženske so sicer malce po strani gledali le, če smo spile več kot moški, a smo hkrati ravno zaradi tega bile spoštovane. No, jaz sem bila ena tistih, ki je lahko brez težav tekmovala z moškimi. Dostikrat sem obstala na nogah, ko so oni že popadali pod mizo.

Ne morem reči, kdaj sem začela piti, in tudi ne ravno, zakaj, ampak je vse skupaj prišlo v paketu. Izhajam iz zelo čudne družine, o kateri bi lahko napisala roman, ker edino, kar je pri nas »štimalo«, je bilo to, da ni nič. Po mojem bi kakšen psihoanalitik lahko našel pri nas vse patologije. A kot že rečeno, to ni bistvo. Ko sem dopolnila 15 let, se je od mene pričakovalo, da bom vikende preživela v diskotekah, kjer bo tekel alkohol v potokih, in si bom tam našla partnerja.

Bolj kot iskanje boljše polovice mi je prijalo pitje in plesanje ter izzivanje fantov. Uživala sem v tem, da sem jih zmedla, da sem čutila njihove poglede na sebi in da sem vedela, da sem v središču pozornosti. Ideja o tem, da bi se me kdo dotaknil ali da bi s kom šla malce na »sprehod« (berite za prvi vogal se poljubljat in mogoče še kaj več), mi ni bila blizu. Ni bilo privlačnosti. Takrat nisem ravno razumela, zakaj mi niti en fant ni všeč, nisem pa imela nič proti, če me je prijateljica med izzivanjem fantov poljubila. Zakaj, mi ni treba pisati, ker mislim, da vam je jasno. A to še ne pomeni, da kasneje nisem imela fanta in moža.

Srednja šola je torej minila v znamenju iskanja moža, pitja in šole, ki sem jo komajda naredila. Po končani srednji šoli sem se zaposlila v lokalnem baru, kjer sem svoje pijanske podvige lahko nadaljevala, saj se je ponovno to od mene pričakovalo. Absolutno več prodaš, če piješ s strankami.

Ko sem bila prosta, pa sem imela družbo, s katero smo se zvečer dobili na obisku, kjer smo se napili, plesali in se proti jutru zvalili vsak k sebi domov. Leta sem živela v tem vzdušju, ko sem bila več pijana kot trezna. Ne rečem, da se nismo imeli fino, da nisem potovala in si ustvarila toplega doma, ampak polovico stvari sem naredila zato, ker se spodobi, ker je menda tako prav.

Z leti mi je to začelo najedati in me motiti, sprva nisem vedela, kaj točno je tisto, kar me moti, le praznino in nezadovoljstvo sem čutila. Postajala sem vedno bolj depresivna in kljub premnogim prijateljem osamljena. V službi sem bila nasmejana, a v očeh se mi je videlo, da sem prazna, žalostna. To pa je opazila ena moja stranka, ki me je edina takrat vprašala, če sem v redu in če potrebujem pomoč. Z njegovo pomočjo sem spoznala, da imam težave z alkoholom, in to velike.

Ko sem prvič to omenila v naši družbi in možu, sem naletela na zelo negativen odziv in vprašanje, če sem nora. Nikakor nisem našla sogovornika, le kritike in pojasnila, da ne pijemo preveč. Zaradi tega sem se ponovno začela zapirati vase, dokler nisem edinega izhoda videla v tem, da končam svoje življenje.

Vzela sem tablete s preveliko količino alkohola in se zbudila na urgenci. Z urgence pa so me preselili na psihiatrijo. Tam sem ostala več kot devet mesecev in si začrtala nove življenjske cilje. Mož ni želel sodelovati pri mojem zdravljenju, prav tako v tistih devetih mesecih nisem dobila niti enega obiska prijateljev, le kakšno sporočilo, če sem nora in zakaj jim delam sramoto.

Ko sem prišla domov, sem se odselila, našla drugačno službo in si poiskala KZA. Tudi ločila sem se.

Ne pijem že osem let, srečna sem in ob sebi imam ljudi, ki jih imam rada, me imajo radi ter me sprejemajo takšno, kot sem. Ženska sem, ki je imela težave z alkoholom, in sem zdravljena alkoholičarka, predvsem pa ponosna nase.

Članek je bil objavljen na spletni strani Slovenec https://www.slovenec.org/2021/03/11/posvet-o-razvojnih-priloznostih-slovenije-2/

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