Sem alkoholik in živim normalno življenje

Brez težav javno priznam, da sem zdravljen alkoholik, in še vedno, kljub temu da je od mojega zdravljenja minilo že 16 let, obiskujem KZA v Celju. K temu, da sem sploh moral na zdravljenje, je botrovalo dolgotrajno in prekomerno pitje alkohola. Pitje me je pripeljalo tako daleč, da sem postal fizično in psihično odvisen od alkohola.

Na zdravljenje sem šel 23. junija 2004 z namenom, da bi prenehal piti alkoholne pijače, da bi družina ostala skupaj in da bi obdržal službo. Od takrat, ko sem naredil ta odločilni korak, je, kot sem omenil, minilo že 16 let.

Ves ta čas mi je uspelo in mi še uspeva vzdrževati abstinenco. To je namreč v mojih očeh eden glavnih pogojev, da sem zaživel drugačno, lepše, polnejše in uspešnejše življenje. Ponosen sem na svoj uspeh in resnično me ni nikjer sram povedati, da sem zdravljen alkoholik.

Zaradi alkohola, no, zaradi moje odločitve, da mora biti alkohol na prvem mestu, sem zamudil ogromno lepih trenutkov z ženo in hčerko, ki so za vedno izgubljeni. Sicer se trudim, da sedaj nadoknadim izgubljeno, da kljub 16 letom abstinence povrnem družini zaupanje vame.

A kljub temu ne bom nikoli videl hčerkinih prvih korakov, ne bom prisoten, ko je šla v šolo, se prvič poškodovala, dobila prvo odrgnino, se prvič zaljubila, je bila prvič razočarana, se tudi sama prvič napila … Ogromno je teh trenutkov, ki jih ne morem povrniti in mi je zaradi tega žal.

Nekaj malega sicer skušam nadoknaditi z vnukinjo, zato se veselim vseh skupnih trenutkov, še posebej pa uživam v družbi moje male navihanke. Včasih me spreleti občutek krivde, močnejši je, če dobim pripombo »z mano si bil pa drugačen«. Vem, da sem bil, a tega ne morem spremeniti.

Lahko iščem izgovore, da sem takrat pil, da sem bil bolan, a še vedno ostaja dejstvo, da se mi takrat ni zdelo pomembno to, kar mi je zdaj. Nisem zmogel uvida, da so pomembne majhne stvari, majhna dejanja. Ni dovolj, da ko sem prišel z zdravljenja, sem na hčer pazil z budnim očesom. Ni dovolj, da me še vedno skrbi zanjo.

Brez družine in njene nesebične pomoči in vztrajnosti pa tudi tolikšnega zaupanja, da sem dobil še eno možnost, ne bi zmogel hoditi po poti, ki jo hodim. Je moja luč na koncu predora, sonce, ki osvetljuje temo.

Vesel pa sem, da so mi tudi v službi dali še eno priložnost, da sem si spet pridobil zaupanje sodelavcev in nadrejenih. Čeprav je delo naporno, sem vesel, da ga lahko opravljam s trezno glavo. Mogoče mi je šele zdaj jasno, da sem dnevno v zelo nevarnih situacijah, kjer je nujno, da si trezen. Pred zdravljenjem se mi je zdelo, da zmorem delo brez težav opravljati tudi po nekaj kozarcih alkohola, zdaj pa mi je jasno, da je takrat iz mene govoril le alkohol.

So pa svojstven izziv vsekakor stranke, ker šele sedaj opažam, kako pogosto ljudje ponudijo najprej alkohol in šele potem sok in vodo.

Prosti čas sem nekoč porabil za alkohol oziroma dejavnosti, ki so posredno ali neposredno izhajale iz dejstva, da pijem. Sedaj ta čas pripada meni in družini. Rad pogledam kakšen film, postorim kaj okoli hiše in preživim kakšno urico s prijatelji.

KZA še vedno obiskujem, ker sem tam našel podpornike in prijatelje. Radi se družimo, se pogovorimo o tekočih zadevah pa tudi o morebitnih problemih. Tedenski obisk je zame opomnik, zakaj je smiselno ne piti in kaj vse mi je alkohol nekoč vzel.

Članek je bil objavljen na spletni strani Slovenec https://www.slovenec.org/2021/02/28/sem-alkoholik-in-zivim-normalno-zivljenje/

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