Neizrečena bolečina te lahko požene tudi v odvisnost

Odraščati v bogati družini, kjer imaš vse, vsaj na videz, je pravi pekel. Iz takšne družine prihajam sam. Starša sta bila uradnika, na pomembnih položajih, z bratom pa sva bila »privesek«, s katerim sta se hvalila, postavljala. Še v plenicah sem dobil varuško, ki je bila moja učiteljica in me je učila tisoč in eno stvar, da bi le bil popoln.

Veliko smo potovali, a kaj ko sem starše redko videl. Na vsakem potovanju sem si lahko izbral darilo, ki mi ni pomenilo nič. Starše sem videl običajno le takrat, ko sta imela kakšno poslovno zabavo ali proslavo ter sva z bratom morala poleg, da sta se hvalila. Včasih sta pozabila na najine rojstne dneve, na najinih nastopih in tekmah pa sta bila vsega mogoče dvakrat.

Edina oseba, ki je bila ves čas z nama, je bila najina varuška. Brat, ki je bil starejši, je pri 15 letih šel v dijaški dom, saj se je šolal v drugem kraju. Proti koncu prvega letnika je storil samomor, kar je prizadelo celotno družino.

Starše sem videl še manj, varuška pa je več časa pila, kot skrbela zame. Rada je imela brata, oba je imela rada, saj sva bila bolj njena kot od bioloških staršev. Sčasoma sem tudi jaz kaj spil z njo in priznam, bilo mi je lažje.

Tako sva svojo bolečino utapljala v alkoholu, dokler naju ni mama zalotila. Varuško je odpustila ter prvič v življenju nekaj časa dejansko prebila z mano. A kaj ko je to druženje trajala zgolj mesec dni, toliko, da je ugotovila, da sem dovolj samostojen, da sem lahko sam. Kuharica je poskrbela, da sem imel hrano, čistilka je počistila za mano in jaz sem ostal sam s svojo bolečino in izgubo. V srednjo šolo sem smel le v domačem kraju, a to me ni ustavilo, da ne bi pil. Kdo pa me je nadzoroval?

Pazil sem, da tistih nekaj ur, ko sta bila starša doma, nisem ravno pil ter sem zgledal vsaj delno normalen. Da pijem, ni vedel nihče, dokler me niso domov pripeljali policisti, ker sem razgrajal in uničeval stvari. Dobil sem novo varuško, bolje rečeno varnostnika.

Za nekaj časa sem nehal piti, a ko sem postal polnoleten, sem starše obvestil, da odhajam od doma ter da naj si varnostnika nekam potisneta. Seveda sem pričakoval, da me bosta pri mojem podvigu finančno podprla, pa sem se zmotil.

Nekaj časa sem živel pri prijatelju, dokler so me njegovi starši gledali in prenašali, potem sem se selil malo sem in malo tja. Da šole nisem končal, mi ni treba pisati. Oče mi je vendarle pomagal in mi našel službo v enem izmed njegovih uradov.

Tako sem imel službo, si najel stanovanje, pil in se tudi poročil, prvikrat. Rodila se nama je hčerka, a kaj ko nisem znal biti oče. Alkohol, moji skoki čez plot, moja odmaknjenost in še kaj so botrovali temu, da me je žena postavila pred vrata.

Našel sem si novo stanovanje, še vedno pil, se v drugo poročil, spet dobil otroka ter ponovil zgodbo iz prvega zakona. Le da sem tokrat zdržal leto več.

Če mislite, da me je to ustavilo, da bi se spravil k sebi in nehal piti, se motite. Poročil sem se še tretjič, ponovno dobil otroka in zgodbo ponovil.

Pri 35 sem bil že trikrat poročen, trikrat ločen in imel tri otroke z različnimi ženskami. Poročil sem se še četrtič in odprl svoje podjetje, ker uradniška plača ni bila dovolj za preživnine, ki sem jih moral plačevati.

Piti nisem nehal, skakati čez plot tudi ne, le da sem tokrat imel ob sebi žensko, ki je za sabo imela še težjo zgodbo in se je odločila, da mi pomaga, ker bo na ta način pomagala sebi. Resnično me ima rada, da je preživela vse moje izpade, skoke čez plot, popivanje in mi je kljub bankrotu stala ob strani. Ni me zapustila, ko je izvedela, da sem uspel eni izmed žensk, s katerimi sem se občasno dobil, narediti otroka.

Ni odšla, ko sem poskušal narediti samomor. Govorila mi je, da je toliko zlobna, da bo ostala in da ni stvari, ki bi jo naredil, da bi odšla. Prekoračil sem vse meje, a ona je še vedno bila tam – zame. In ravno ta stabilnost, njena neomajna ljubezen me je postavila na realna tla. Končno sem imel ob sebi osebo, ki me je imela brezpogojno rada in mi je dnevno dala vedeti, da sem vreden.

Pri 45 letih sem že nekaj let zdravljen alkoholik, končal sem šolo, odprl svoje podjetje, se soočil z bolečino izgube brata. Sem oče petih otrok in ja, vsak otrok ima svojo mamo. In ja, tudi z ženo, ki je vztrajala z mano, imam dvoletno hčerko. Vse otroke redno vidim in mi je vsak trenutek z njimi pomemben.

Stašev ne vidim veliko, mi pa vedno uspeta povedati, da sem ju razočaral, a mi je vseeno, ker sem čisto zadovoljen s tem, da sta sprejela vseh pet vnukov in jih finančno zalagata, to, kar edino znata.

Hvaležen sem ženi, da je vztrajala ob meni ter mi pokazala, da obstaja tudi lepše življenje.

Članek je bil objavljen na spletni strani Slovenec https://www.slovenec.org/2021/03/24/neizrecena-bolecina-te-lahko-pozene-tudi-v-odvisnost/

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