Življenje v laži in skrivanju

ivljenje alkoholika je dostikrat konfuzno in alkoholik živi dvojno življenje, v času, ko pije, pa dnevi kar letijo, no, vsaj meni so. Priznam, da sem živel v dveh svetovih, ki sta se stikala, a en za drugega nista »vedela«.

V enem svetu sem bil uspešen moški, imel sanjsko službo, ki mi je omogočala delo od doma in potovanja po svetu, kamor sta me lahko spremljali moja lepa žena in hčerkica. Živeli smo v novi hiši in imeli v garaži nekaj luksuznih avtomobilov, motorjev, štirikolesnik, na morju malo večjo ladjo, ne ravno jahto, a kar blizu temu. Uživali smo v dopustu na sanjskih destinacijah. Za marsikoga smo živeli sanjsko življenje.

Lepa slika, ki je v notranjosti bila precej drugačna. To pa je predstavljalo moje drugo življenje, življenje, polno temačnih skrivnosti, laži, prevar. Bil sem pač t. i. visoko delujoč alkoholik.

Kot zgodba marsikaterega mojega sotrpina se je tudi moja pot v alkoholizem začela čisto nedolžno. Pijača po rekreaciji, pijača na poslovnih potovanjih, po sklenjenem poslu, ker se je to pač spodobilo, četudi je bila količina prekomerna in jaz sem bil prepričan, da poznam svojo mejo.

Mejo sem poznal zgolj do tja, da se nisem osramotil, a kaj ko sem svoj odmerek sčasoma potreboval še pred »glavnim dogodkom« in še ure po zaključku le-tega. Počasi se je moje pitje poznalo pri mojem delu. Delal sem slabše, imel manjši uspeh, zato sem imel težave s sodelavci, saj dogovorjenega nisem opravil in s tem vplival na skupen uspeh. Težave sem imel tudi z nadrejenimi, saj so bile moje napake vse pogostejše.

Ko ima hudič mlade, jih ima veliko, tako so se težave selile tudi na dom. Z ženo se nisva več razumela, večino časa sva se kregala, s hčerko se nisem ukvarjal, saj sem bil večinoma v nekem svojem svetu, pijan in omamljen, da sem lahko bežal iz realnosti.

Rekreacijo sem opustil, ker sem namesto na rekreacijo raje takoj zavil v gostilno. Prekomerno pitje, slabo spanje, nezdrava prehrana in opustitev rekreacije so pripomogli, da je tehtnica presegla številko 150. Torej sem imel vsaj 50 kilogramov preveč. Da o bolečinah v hrbtu, slabokrvnosti in drugih zdravstvenih težavah sploh ne govorim.

Alkohol je bil zame sprostitev, način, da je vsa bolečina izginila, da sem lahko le sledil ciljem, ki me že dolgo niso osrečevali. A kot tisti najstnik, ki so ga vsi zasmehovali in mu razlagali, da je zguba, mi je bilo pomembno, da se dokažem z nekimi statusnimi simboli ter si kupim pripadnost nečemu.

Alkohol je bil zame tudi tisti ventil, ki je utišal občutek strahu, sramežljivosti in tesnobe. Alkohol mi je dal krila, da sem lahko sklepal dobre posle, če jih zaradi prekomernega pitja nisem uničil.

Včasih, ko so me v službi začeli malo bolj po strani gledati ter je žena bila že prav tečna, sem za nekaj tednov nehal piti. Na ta način sem želel pokazati tako njim, ki so me obtoževali prekomernega pitja, kot sebi, da nisem zasvojen, da nimam težav z alkoholom. Vsakič, ko sem abstiniral, sem sam sebi dopovedoval, da nisem alkoholik, in po prekinitvi abstinence pil še več.

Ker sem podzavestno vedel, da imam težave z alkoholom, sem moral najti način, pijačo, ki mi bo pomagala pri prikrivanju. Vodka je vsekakor to bila, saj se je ni vonjalo, pa še z Red Bullom je bila odlična, jaz pa sem imel toliko energije kot v mladih letih.

Moje pitje je postajalo vse bol problematično, doma sem steklenice vodke skrival povsod, v pisarni sem imel kar nekaj skritih kotičkov. Na poslovne poti sem hodil prej, da sem si lahko pravočasno zagotovil prepotrebno dozo, ki me je držala pokonci.

Globoko v sebi sem sicer vedel, da je imam težave, vendar sem o vsem razmišljal zelo romantično in si dokazoval, da ne spadam v nobeno »stereotipno« skupino alkoholika. Za vse sem imel izgovor in strokovno obrazložitev.

Dolgo sem si lagal, skrival, dokler nisem nekega večera prišel domov in se samo zložil. Ne vem več, zakaj in niti ni pomembno, važno je le, da je bil tisti večer tako usoden zame, da sem ženi prvikrat povedal vse, da sem ji priznal, koliko pijem in kako, ter jo prosil za pomoč.

Pomagala mi je, mi ves čas zdravljenja stala ob strani, me podpirala, vedrila in mi na tisoč in en način pokazala, da sem vreden, ljubljen in da sem zanjo vse.

Življenje se mi je obrnilo, ne čutim več potrebe po dokazovanju, niti po tem, da moram kaj spiti, da lahko posel sklenem. Več časa preživim z družino in skupaj hodimo po drugačni poti, kjer so v ospredju ljubezen, iskrenost in zaupanje.

Članek je bil objavljen na spletni strani Slovenec https://www.slovenec.org/2021/03/22/zivljenje-v-lazi-in-skrivanju/

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